Monday, May 19, 2008

How Much Does Your Dick Cost?

Men spend a lot of money on women, but trust me, they spend even more on their dicks. This can be explained in any number of ways (Men are peacocks without feathers, so they buy feathers), but all that really needs to be said is that they do.

I set out to try and determine how much of a given product's cost goes to a person's cock. I call it the penis tax. I figure a good place to try and figure an equation for this would be cars, since the penis tax is so painfully, obviously, blindingly apparent.

I propose as follows...

Sale value - Actual Value = Penis Tax

Sale value = MSRP + Average dealer markup

Actual value = MSRP - (MSRP - Average price of cars in category)

Dealers LOVE to vacuum as much money from your pockets as they can, and they know full well when they have a hot product that will cause men to toss common sense out the car window. Because, I would argue, they know that you if you're looking, you probably can't get laid without this car.

To figure the average markup, I hit eBay and searched for an example car and found the highest price for a new example that had bids on it. This indicates the price that men with small pee-pees are willing to pay. To test the equation, I used the Ferrari 599 GTB (drool).

MSRP: 273,845
Sale Value: 375,100

The $375,100 number is the highest amount on which people were bidding. Now, Ferrari's have some penis tax built in. I mean, duh. A car that costs more than the average American home can only exist because a penis is involved in both its manufacture and eventual purchase. So to determine that a car is factory-made too expensive, we can only claim its overpriced if cars that are its competitors are cheaper. So we have to figure the average price of cars that someone in the market might buy.

This is tricky. What constitutes direct competition? Style? Price? Performance? I tried to include all of these in my short list of competition. This is where a little art sneaks into the computation.

1.Porsche GT2: $200,000;
2.Porsche GT3 RS: $124,000;
3.Aston Martin DBS: $262,000;
4.Chevrolet Corvette Z06: $71,275;
5.Nissan GT-R: $71,900;
6.Lamborghini Gallardo Superleggera: $223,040;
7.Lamborghini Gallardo: $185,600;
8.Lamborghini LP640: $334,400;
9.Mercedes CLK AMG Black: $135,000

I debated whether I should include penis tax into the competitor list, as well. I decided against it because I was afraid that the stupidity of men would skew the results and I stuck with the MSRPs of the list. I figure that the manufacturers know how much their friggin' products are worth.

So the averages of the list are...

With outliers included: $178,579
With outliers removed: $188,273

So, amazingly, the actual value of the 599GTB ends up being the exact average of competitors. I swear I didn't plan this. That ends up with a penis tax of a stunning $196,521. The cost of many people's homes, going to some dudes member. I don't know about you, but that's fucked up.

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